Thursday, December 14, 2006 ♠
♥ 2:41:00 AM
Confession and apologies.
It's been pretty much a month. At the start i was still habouring the thought of a reconciliation. I thought you would at least try. I was downright wrong. Wherever i went i seemed to sense your shadow. Tat period was the toughest.
"Time will heal all wounds"
"You deserve someone better"
"Open your eyes, don't be blinded anymore"
This were the very common consolation that everyone showered me with. I'm so grateful for it. Although at that period all these may seem like crap and your so so tired of hearing all that. You just wish someone could see the world from your point and stand by you. You just hope for that someone who could feel the same way as you--- the feel of blood pumping straight to your heart at the slightest mention of his name, the feel of missing him every minute, every second when you are not together. Unfortunately I didn't meet anyone like that.
I believe this saying is very true--- love is blind. It is indeed blind. When you're in it, you feel as if the whole world revolves around just the 2 of you. You can't seem the flaws even if it was staring straight at you.
I'm so glad i didn't meet anyone who felt the same as me. Everyone told me to get a hold of myself and move on.
I listened to them half-heartedly, i was still stubbornly clinging on the silly thought of you returning.
It was until that day when i finally woke from my fantasy.
The day i saw the pictures. It broke my heart. Totally. It felt as if my heart stopped beating. I guess it's just the time whereby your heart is really dead. No more feelings. Just one word---numb.
I'm pretty grateful for chancing upon the pics. It made me totally give up on you. The heart still bleeds but at least i know in days to come it will heal. It will heal because i finally saw through you. I knew you were not perfect but i seriously didn't expect you to be so so imperfect.
During those days, i had this foolish thought--- i thought i would be able to change you. I thought you would change for me. I've never been so wrong in my entire 16 years.
A leopard will never change it's spots. How true. I'm not trying to jeopardize your image.
Throughout the whole course, because of you and partly because of me being so blinded, i fell out with a couple of people. From the start, there were already people warning me. I refused to listen, preferring to trust my instincts, preferring to trust you. I assume all they said were rubbish. How could they say such things about you. You, in my eyes was so close to perfection.
I'm so sorry for pushing all your advises aside.
In the course of the episode i became very selfish and bitchy as well. Had some unnecessary confrontation. If you're reading this----I'm sorry. I appologise. I must have been so blinded as well as so narrow hearted to say those things.
I believe we are all victims in this mess, no one is spared. All i can do right now is to wish you all the best and get back on your feet soon. There'll be better ones that deserves you more. One that truly loves you for who you are.
I'll be doing that myself. This will be the last time I'll be writing on this issue. It's gonna be a new chapter and I'll start to fill it up. It will not be left blank for you anymore.
signing off
